Where do you start?? Where do you begin when the grief is so strong??
Birth and pregnancy is supposed to be filled joy, yet for many its not.
Sometimes it comes as a surprise, a once healthy pregnancy turns to grieving as you wait for your body to go into labour with a child whose heart was once beating. A child you cherished, loved and hoped for, but where do you turn. Your heart has been ripped out of your chest and you feel like there is nobody who can quite understand your pain. As you birth your little one and hold him in your arms you just want to curl up inside and be with him. Imagining all the things that he will never do, he will never nurse at your breast, never smile, crawl, walk or laugh, never grow up. You hold him close and give him a name, because you cherish him and always will. Knowing that you will see him again in Heaven.
And then sometimes, after that joy of that positive pregnancy test that you took ten of just to make sure a few weeks go by and you begin to cramp and bleed. But this doesn’t happen once or twice it happens again and again. You cry and begin to fear a positive pregnancy test because you are so afraid that you will lose that one too.
For some its a diagnosis in pregnancy, the baby’s kidneys are not functioning, a heart defect, anancephaly, etc. You wait for her arrival, you labour and birth the most beautiful little girl! She’s breathing yet the doctors give her only hours to live. You hold your baby girl for hours until she passes in your arms. Your life will never be the same. You cherish the time you were allowed with her praising G-d for that time together.
There are many of us who have a story. There seems to be a lot more of us who have felt this loss. While you may feel all alone, you are not. You are being held by the Father in your grief and in your healing.
As a mother of four who has had multiple miscarriages I know your pain. Whether its 5 weeks or 30 weeks that pain is there. Some are harder to cope with than others. I pray you find joy through your grief.